I decided to become a reproductive psychiatrist because of my love for OB-GYN, particularly delivering babies and counseling women during one of the most impactful seasons of their life. However, I learned quickly that the operating room was not for me! I was excited to learn, however, in my third year of medical school that there was field that would integrate my passion for making sense of the emotional experiences of women across the lifespan as well as the scientific inquiry that encompasses studying women’s health.
It did not occur to me as a somewhat naïve third year medical student the other side of perinatal care, and frankly one of the more important and overlooked sides i.e. infertility and perinatal loss. Some of the most heartbreaking encounters I have had as a psychiatrist over the years is counseling women through the loss of a child, at any stage. I include infertility in this as the mourning is one that has been described in the literature as a "blank mourning," mourning for a wished-for experience.
One of my initial goals when I first started working as an attending was to author a book highlighting mother's stories of loss and survival with a huge focus on helping the people in their life understand their pain and how to help. Many times, I have heard women describe various unhelpful comments that have been made to them and finding validation to be difficult unless someone has gone through the same kind of pain.
Reproductive justice in perinatal loss and grief is something that causes a significant heartache for me with knowing the loss my own mother experienced with my younger brother. From her heart and the many women, I have counseled over the years I write this blog in their honor, giving voice and shedding light on an overlooked problem. Below are some things I have learned over the years as a daughter, friend and physician who has supported women during a loss.
1) Show compassion and listen to their heart (Emotion)
One scripture that comes to mind and I have adopted this really in as many human interactions that I can is James 1: 9 " Be quick to listen, slow to speak..."
2) When you do speak, validate the place their heart (emotion) is today and do not rush to where you hope they will get to.
This is key as we often move to comfort with statements like “ You will get through this, “ God has a reason” “ You can have another baby” or what was said to my mom “Is it’s better that the baby died young as they were not really a person yet. ” These statements come from a place of wanting to be helpful by appealing to intellect and cognition. However, what is needed in the moment is attendance, witnessing, soothing and bearing with them their heart.
Galatians 6:2 “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”
3) Lastly, offer yourself as a support before giving an external resource
This is key Support in grief is so crucial helping the person feel like they are not alone, you want to help them in practical ways, meals and presence. “I see you… I hear you…” “Let me carry this (whatever emotion you are hearing sadness, anger, pain) with you in whatever way feels right for you.”
If it is appropriate to offer an external resource (therapy, spiritual support, another person who has been through a loss) assure them they are a well vetted resource. Be sure to follow up with the person within a reasonable time frame, i.e., you may consider asking them if it is okay to call/text them within the week to check in.
Personal Reflection:
If you have experienced a loss, worked with someone who has, or have been a support to someone who has please share and reflect on what has been helpful in the grieving process in an effort to shed more light in this area and equip others to help.
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